Private Resolutions
by ButterscotchCandybatch
Summary: The missing scenes from the Season Two episode "Resolutions" where Chakotay and Janeway are stranded on New Earth, alone except for each other...
1. Chapter 1

Private Resolutions

This is a missing scene from "Resolutions". You know, the episode where Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay are infected with a virus which means they have to be left behind on a planet alone together? And remember how one night Captain Janeway in her dressing gown decides to discuss with Chakotay "the parameters of their relationship"? Remember all that? Well THIS is the scene that comes directly after that discussion and was cut from the network television version, for obvious reasons… ;)

Some events from the canon episode are incorporated, if you've seen the episode recently you'll know which they are. It seemed to me that a lot of meaningful looks went unexplained – so I decided to explain them. I have not touched at all on the other part of the plot which takes place on Voyager.

All from Chakotay's point of view.

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It had been an exhausting and emotionally devastating day. We cleaned up all the debris from the storm, and catalogued all the destruction. I don't know who we thought we were keeping the catalogues for, but Starfleet protocol dies hard when you've lived all your life under that framework. I think… no scratch that, I *know* Kathryn was having a hard time resigning herself to the idea that we would be here on "New Earth" for the rest of our lives.

Spirits! Even the name "New Earth" – it represented both an unwillingness to let go of our former destination and a reluctance to settle down and commit to life here by giving this planet a proper name and identity of its own.

By the end of the day I think we were both exhausted and depressed. I can't remember exactly what I was making, but I remember looking over and seeing Kathryn trying the rub the knots out of her own shoulders. I would have laughed, but even though she didn't like me to call her "Captain" any more, she wasn't quite relaxed enough with me to allow herself to be laughed at except on her own terms.

I remember my mother telling me that anyone who tried to massage their own shoulders was either desperate, or sending out a plea for help *and* desperate. The nature of using your own arms means that any massage you give yourself will be short, as your arms tire quickly from the angle, and mostly ineffective anyway.

I moved around behind Kathryn and offered to rub her shoulders. I tried not to stroke her hair as I moved it out of the way, but I couldn't help noticing the scent of the herbal shampoo she had been experimenting with making. Her science officer background was making her pay attention to all aspects of our future life here, even if she couldn't admit it to herself.

As I worked my hands over her shoulders I let the memories wash over me. Memories of doing this for my mother blurred with memories of doing this for many other women, not always with the purest of motives. There is something very sensual, very intimate about touching someone this way. Hands on shoulders isn't an obviously sexual touch, but the deep strokes of a massage and helping someone to relax – if well done it can develop intimacy between two people faster than nearly anything else. And I do it very well, or so I've always been told…

I must have lost my concentration and stopped moving my hands as I was thinking about all this, because the next thing I knew Kathryn was breaking the mood by standing up and moving away. She softened her goodnight with a smile, but I knew what she meant – she wasn't comfortable with me touching her this way. I needed to give her more time. She was still reconciling herself to the loss of her hopes that one day we would get back to Voyager and she would resume her role as Captain to my First Officer. We had the rest of our lives here, alone with only each other – I could afford to wait.

Actually, I didn't have to wait as long as I thought. Later that night she must have been thinking about what happened between us, as I saw her moving around behind her privacy screen, obviously not sleeping. She has always been full of courage and has never been afraid of facing any issue head on. That's one of the many things I've always admired about her.

She came right out and sat down across from me. Not a good sign, in my opinion. The best way to conduct a difficult conversation is with the other person sitting next to you, so you can look away if it gets to be too much. My ideal conversation would be conducted at the helm of a shuttle, flying through a mostly empty region of space. You can pretend to look at the stars then, if you need to look at something other than the person's face.

She got straight to the point. "I think we need to define some parameters – about us."

Spirits, that's blunt! Not exactly the romantic opening I had been hoping for, but we're in Starfleet, so let's by all means be direct. It's easy for me to say that now, but at the time I was rather taken aback. I only managed the brilliant response, "I don't think I can." Damn, that wasn't very smooth. Honest, but not very smooth.

Slightly panicked, I fell back on old habits from around the campfire. Discussions about relationships are hard, but storytelling comes easily to me. So I told her my story – how I feel when I'm with her, how she filled a deep need in me, even before I knew what it was that I needed. How making her happy, and safe, and building a home for us satisfied everything I ever wanted, or nearly.

She called me on my smokescreen of course. With that quirk of her eyebrow she asked, "Is that *really* an ancient legend?"

I was forced to admit that it wasn't, but that it was my way of telling her what she meant to me, what she has always meant to me. She smiled at me and laced her fingers with mine, but she had tears in her eyes. They weren't just tears of emotion and love, they were mingled with tears of loss and grief. I knew the hardest part of this conversation was still to come. I felt her hand trembling in mine as she asked me one more thing. "Will you promise me something?"

I kissed her fingertips, then relinquished her hand, setting her free. "Anything."

She looked down at the table, away to the shelves. Could it be that Kathryn, my brave, strong resolute Kathryn – could she possibly be embarrassed? She blushed a little as she said, "This will probably sound silly to you, but I need you to reassure me… to promise me something." She took a deep breath and speared me with her gaze. Whatever this was, and despite her disclaimer of being silly, this was going to be something important and probably difficult. "I want you to promise me that if a miracle happens, and we end up back on Voyager, that we resume as Captain and First Officer. That whatever… relationship we develop here stays here if we ever leave."

She shrugged a little and seemed to laugh a bit at herself. "Oh, I don't know how it could happen, and maybe it's my denial speaking that I'm even thinking about this. But if they find a wormhold to the Alpha Quadrant and come back for us, or if Q appears and cures us and whisks us back to the bridge of Voyager, or whatever… I need to know that I will be able to be the Captain again and to rely on you absolutely as my First Officer. I don't want to have to think twice about hurting your feelings if I don't explain my commands. And I don't want you ever to mention what happens down here, not to anyone else and especially not to me even in private. It would be a difficult transition, especially if we are here for any length of time, and I will need to focus completely on resuming command." She took a deep breath and sighed. "Do you still want me under those conditions?"

I almost choked that she could even ask me that. Surely she would know that I would want her under any conditions? Besides, Q coming to our rescue seemed vanishingly improbable, so it probably had no bearing on anything. If she wanted to stipulate for any conditions in the distant and unlikely future that would allow me to have her in the definite here and now, I could live with that. I wondered briefly if she would really hold out if I refused - if she would give up our current happiness in order to hold onto the dream of Voyager. I decided that it would cost me nothing to let her hold onto her dream. So soon after the destruction of her science lab she wasn't ready to face more loss.

I couldn't help pushing a little at the edges of her denial though. "What if we have children by then?"

She gasped a little, and turned pale. "Children?"

I shrugged at her. "That is the natural implication of what we're discussing, isn't it? I always thought I'd have children one day, and in the absence of advanced medicine we need to think about it sooner rather than later."

"Well, yes, I always thought I'd have children… someday. I never imagined having little salamanders with Tom Paris, but having children with you would be… wonderful." She glanced up at me with a little smile. "I think you'd make a very good father. But how about we practice a little first, before we aim for children?" Her smile broadened to a grin, and she took my hand and lead me to what would become *our* bedroom. This time it was my fingers that trembled in hers.


	2. Chapter 2

I had three weeks of living in Paradise, before reality crashed back in.

Kathryn, when she lets herself go and stops being "The Captain", can really be a loving and nurturing person. I'm a builder, a do-er. If I love someone, I build them something. If Kathryn had only realized it building her a bath and a bed-head was more of a declaration of love than anything I could ever say in words. But Kathryn is truly maternal, as I should have realized by watching how she looked after Harry Kim on his first assignment. She coddled those little tomato plants, and if I'd ever doubted that she could settle down to raising children and a farm, those concerns were soon laid to rest.

We chatted a little about extending the house, but that skirted a bit too close for comfort to the whole having children discussion, so by mutual consent we shelved that idea for a while. After nearly two months in the one place we were becoming familiar enough with our surroundings to be a little bored. A little escape from our current circumstances might help us to take our relationship to the next level. A change of scenery might bring a change of view. Let us by all means have a honeymoon, and see what would happen next... Why not build a boat and go for a camping trip? We are explorers, voyagers by nature as well as by circumstances. Once her tomato plants matured to the point that they could be left alone, I decided to let her in on my plan.

I had done the research already, looking through the database for something that would be simple enough to build with the few tools that we had, but large and stable enough to be able to take us for an extended trip down the river. I brought my selected boat up on the viewscreen, and was rewarded by seeing her eyes sparkle with enthusiasm and delight. I thought she was about to hug me, and maybe go a little further, when I heard something.

After all that time, I almost didn't recognize it. I felt visceral sense of impending doom, and I wondered at first why I disliked the sound so much – then I realized what it was. The comm badges we had stopped wearing and had left sitting on the shelf in the living area were generating static and faint voices.

Kathryn picked hers up, and once again her hands were trembling. I tried not to notice that her eyes were bright with hope and expectation. And her breath quickened as much for Tuvok's dispassionate voice as it ever had for mine. I will admit that I hated the sound of Tuvok's voice more than ever at that moment.

Over the roaring in my head, I heard Kathryn answer her comm, heard her slip immediately into her old Captain's ways, use her Captain's voice – the one I hadn't heard for the last six weeks. Tuvok was telling that the unlooked-for miracle had happened. They had a cure, we could leave our Paradise and resume our roles on Voyager and our journey. They would be within beam-out range in thirty hours!

Kathryn closed the link, and her eyes met mine. I knew what she was asking. Did I remember my promise? And would I keep it?

The agony in my heart was too great to speak. I gave her a slight, reassuring smile. Yes, I remembered. Yes, I would.

For the last time I drew her up to stand beside me, pulled her body fiercely, possessively against mine. I finally found my voice, "We have thirty hours…" It would mean that we would not have time to disassemble and pack the cabin, even the parts that hadn't been destroyed by the storm. We would have to abandon everything – I knew even then that I wouldn't want to bring any little souvenirs of this shore leave. Voyager could hardly spare the materials, but I didn't care. The memories would be quite overwhelming enough on their own.

Kathryn's eyes flicked around the cabin, then without hesitation she lead me to our bedroom for the last time. She would keep her side of the bargain too. She would give me as much of herself as she could, until the last possible minute. Here on this planet, she would be my Kathryn. I would have my thirty hours before I had to face my Captain again.

After we made love for the last time, Kathryn got up and had a sonic shower. I tried not to feel hurt that she didn't want to use the bath I had made for her, but had to admit that I was being unreasonable. We had left it almost to the last minute to prepare for our beam-out and Tuvok would be within range in less than fifteen minutes. I watched her slowly pin up her hair and put on the uniform we had abandoned weeks ago.

I came towards her, intending to rub her shoulders again, but I saw her stiffen at my approach and realized once again that she feared I would not keep my word. She feared me! Never could I allow her to doubt me. My love would be buried deep, never to be mentioned again. Once more we would work side by side and my friendship would be the rock that she leaned against. I would resume that role, I must.

I picked up the Captain's pips that were lying on the bench, and fastened them to her collar for her. That's a tricky maneuver at the best of times, and somehow it took me a very long time, but she stood quite still and let me do it – let me make her into my Captain again. I gave her a nod of acknowledgement when I was done, and she gave me an equally serious nod of thanks. Then she turned and left.

By the time I came out of the cabin she was saying farewell to the alien primate she had befriended. She came over to me and looked into my eyes, with love, for the last time. I looked back steadily – I would keep my promise. I said it to her in my heart over and over.

She turned to stand next to me for beam-out, and gave the command in a steady voice that I know I could not have managed at that moment. With that familiar, yet unpleasant tingle we dissolved and I was once again barred from Paradise – this time forever. The bonds of my promise held me more securely than any Starfleet protocol could ever have done.

Tuvok met us in the transporter room, and gave the Captain a short briefing as we walked to the Bridge. She was all business, but I noticed that she didn't meet my eyes. We both knew that the real test was to come. She would give me an order, an unreasonable, unexplained order – and how I received it would determine how our relationship would proceed. Would I pass the test?

We walked onto the Bridge, and everyone stood with a formality that we had not used for some time. But I could see that everyone wanted a way to express their welcome and joy that their Captain was back. I resumed my First Officer's chair without comment as the Captain took issue with Tuvok's disobedience of her definite orders, but everyone knew that this was just for form's sake. It had turned out well in the end – for everyone except me, that is.

It was part of my agony to see how happy she was to be back in command. She is in her element, doing what her whole life has been geared towards, as she captains this starship. She may have private regrets about what we left behind on Paradise, but she would master them. My Kathryn would be buried beneath the Captain, I would only ever see glimpses of her in the Captain's eyes at unguarded moments.

I think she knew that her eyes would give her away because she didn't look at me as she resumed her Captain's chair, and I steeled myself what I knew had to come. She might not doubt me, but she couldn't risk trusting me without a test. I shouldn't take it personally. As the Captain, it was her job to *know* that her crew would all obey her commands. Even her ex-lover.

She outlined a gruelling shipwide systems review for both of us. Necessary, as we been off the ship for nearly two months. Or it would have been if Tuvok hadn't been in charge. Justifiable, anyway. She allocated herself to review Propulsion, Environmental and Communications and gave me Sensors, Weapons and Transporters. As usual, she gave herself the lion's share of the work. I wanted to protest, to protect her, to guard and shelter her – she knew that I did, and that she couldn't allow it. The first part of keeping my promise would have to be letting her do her job.

I gave the only possible answer, "Aye, Captain." I also added, though it was unnecessary from a ship's functioning point of view that I would give a full report – that is, a suboordinate's report – by 1800. She raised her chin slightly in acknowledgement of my supportive stance, but I knew she wasn't done.

Still without looking at me, she ordered me to check on a small malfunction in the phaser banks which had been an issue before we left the ship six weeks ago. It was a job that any Ensign could have done, or she could have commed B'Elanna in engineering and asked her the status of the weapons. If B'Elanna hadn't seen and fixed that misfiring issue weeks ago, I'd eat my commbadge. But the command, however ridiculous, was not the issue. The issue was my response. In a rock steady voice I gave her what she now needed from me. Not the response of a lover, but the firm acknowledgement that her First Officer would back her up one hundred per cent.

"Yes, Ma'am. I'll see to it."

We both faced the viewscreen and pretended to watch the stars streaming by as Tom Paris flew us steadily towards the Alpha Quadrant. I admit to a new eagerness to get home. Previously I had harboured some doubts about what might be waiting for the Maquis when we arrived back in the Federation. But now I can only wonder if I might find my Kathryn again there? Once we are no longer Captain and First Officer, could we ever rediscover the Paradise that we have now lost?

END LOG


End file.
